RockOff!
by LilyRosetheDreamer
Summary: The two most powerful old nations...face off against the Devil himself. Set in Hetaoni.


Rock – Off.

This is set in Hetaoni and I've always wondered…why didn't they just do this in the first place? Their lives would have been so much easier because of these two rockers.

Rome: Bold

Germania: Bold and Italic

China: Underlined

England: Italic

America: Bold and Underlined

Russia: Italic and Underlined

Steve: Normal

There are one or two incidents where Rome and Germania use Germania's writing style to sing together so watch out for those.

Please review.

Disclaimer: Don't own Hetalia or Hetaoni or Tenacious D or YGO 3D Abridged.

* * *

From the moment they had entered this accursed mansion out of the terribly human trait of curiosity, their lives had been Hell on Earth. Terror and paranoia ruled their minds and even big Russia had been scared of those huge grey monsters. They had already travelled through two time loops and little N. Italy was getting desperate, his innocence lost from the moment he saw the first death.

At this moment in time, the countries were cooped up in the 'safe room', although that title was debatable in a messed up place like this.

"I can't take it anymore!" Hot-tempered America yelled, banging against one of the drab walls with his fist. Before now, he would have forgotten his incredible strength and smashed the wall to bits. But that strength had been watered down a lot.

Purple eyes flashed as Russia towered over America, being even creepier than he used to be.

"You had better quieten down, da?"

"H-hai! Those…things could hear us!" Kiku responded, putting himself between the two warring nations in an attempt to calm them. Matthew placed a warning hand on Alfred's broad shoulder while China stepped protectively in front of Japan to face Ivan.

"He is right, aru. Fighting won't get us anywhere."

Feliciano tucked himself closer to Lovino and Ludwig (S. Italy and Germany respectively) as he glanced timidly at the cold oak door with his amber eyes.

It was the only obstacle between them and the horrible Thing.

It was with that dreary thought that there echoed a ringing thud at the door and all of the countries froze. England gripped America tightly as he whipped out his spell book.

"If that bloody thing finds us here, we'll have nowhere to run!" he hissed under his breath frantically, emerald eyes widening in fear and one hand subconsciously gripped his blonde hair.

Prussia rolled his blood red eyes.

"No vay, Sherlock."

The silence stretched out unbearably and Canada wondered if the demon was toying with them sadistically. The bathroom door creaked open and Spain whirled around with his lethal looking axe that glinted.

"Oh god, senors!"

It had somehow slipped round behind them.

"AGH!" France cried with his rapier drawn and Germany flew to the door with Italy, flinging it open.

"GO! RAUS! It is not safe here anymore!" he roared and every country sprinted out, every weapon held aloft.

They didn't have to look back wildly to know that they were being chased relentlessly. It herded them down the flight of stairs (England was losing his already weakened stamina and Alfred refused to leave him behind) and to the grand entrance hallway.

The countries were going to die again.

Feliciano held his diary tightly against his chest, his wide eyes filling up with frustrated and useless tears. He was trying so hard to save his best friends!

The entrance to the hell's maze was kicked open in an incredibly manly fashion and everyone (even the Thing whom is apparently known as Steve) stared in open-mouthed shock as the Roman Empire and Germania strode through the double doors with two custom-made electric guitars (both had the German and the Italian flags interwoven with each other to show that they were bros) and wearing biker boots and nut-brown and crimson capes with spiked shoulder pads. Both men wore black paint splotched around their fierce sapphire and yellow eyes. Neither of them were happy and they meant business.

"Vhat ze hell? Vati?" Germany and Prussia blurted out in astonishment at their normally sensible father.

"Grandpa Rome!" Feliciano and Lovino cheered together.

China smiled sadly at his old friends.

"Step aside, kids." Germania said firmly, like the force of heavy metal itself and all of the bewildered countries stepped out of the way in awe.

"YOU!" Rome proclaimed furiously, pointing at Steve with the wrath of a million of his soldiers. "Who do you think-a you are for DARING to hurt my little grandsons! You're going down-a!"

Steve laughed evilly, frightening the nations stuck in this house. They skittered back into a tightly knit group. Germania and Rome didn't even blink.

"Mein sons are too awesome to be messed vith. You are a cheater…somehow." Germania intoned darkly as an amazing guitar riff and drum piece flared up around them.

Steve leered at them, raising a hand.

"I AM COMPLEEETEEE!"

Rome and Germania's previously hard faces dropped a mile as they heard his satanic voice and threw looks at each other.

Did they REALLY believe that it would be easy?

"OOOOOOHHHH NOOOOOO!"

"Yes you are screwed. You're out of luck. Now I'm complete and before me you'll bow! This world will be mine and you're first in line! You brought me a challenge and now you shall all die!"

Rome stood tall and proud as he swept out a mighty half-armoured hand.

"Waaaaaiiiittt, waaaaiiiiittt, waaaaiiiittt, you little sucker! We challenge you to a rock-off!"

As both sides had already been singing, Germania harmonised with Roman Empire as they continued to be brave.

"Give us one chance to rock your socks off."

Steve cursed angrily and its soulless eyes began to glow a scary red.

"DAMN! DAMN! Daaammmnnn, the demon code prevents meeee from declining your rock-off challenge! What are your terms? What is the catch?" it seethed and Germania laughed. By now, Prussia had replenished most of his large ego and eagerly cheered on the two old nations.

"WHOO! You are awesome…although not as much as me."

"If ve vin, you must take your sorry ass back to Hell! And also you vill have to pay our reent!" the two lunatics sang at it and Steve narrowed its ugly eyes at the two humans.

The drums paused for a moment.

"And what if I win?"

Rome glanced at the floor in over-emphasised regret.

"Then you can take-a France back-a to hell." He replied and France glared at him while the USA burst out laughing with England.

"What?"

"Trust me, friend…it's-a the only way."

"Vhat ze hell are you talking about?" Germania asked in confusion and not singing for a moment.

Roman Empire sighed.

"So he'll be your little slave!"

"FINE!" the devil in grey snarled and the epic music started up again. America and Prussia moshed in excitement. A boring guitar appeared in Steve's hand and France instantly booed it, telling it to at least "spice up your instrument before show and tell". Needless to say, Arthur smacked Francis.

"Let the rock-off begin!"

The guitar riff swirled around everyone present, making them gaze on in complete amazement. England and Russia whacked America and Prussia to prevent their enthusiastic head banging.

"Stop supporting the enemy, wanker!"

I'm the devil,

I love metal!

Check this riff,

It's freaking tasty!

Steve twirled as he poured out a giant riff and South Italy seemed unwillingly impressed.

"Asshole…he's going to win!" he growled with a clenched fist.

I'm the devil,

I can do what I want!

Whatever I've got,

I'm gonna flaunt!

There's never been a rock-off that I've ever looosst!

I can't wait to take France back to heeelll!

It's going to be so sweeeelll,

He's gonna do all of my dirty dishes and laundry!

Roman Empire cut in dramatically.

"NOOOOOWWW!" Turning to his long time buddy, Rome grinned wickedly. "C'mon German, bring the thunder!"

China shook his black head in despair and sang.

There's just no way that we can win,

That was a masterpiece,

He rocks too well because he's not a mortal man.

Rome and Germania glared.

"Listen, all of you!" Rome called.

**He's gonna rewrite history,**

**Gonna wipe out our whole world!**

_**Never!**_

**Unless we beat this massive monster into pieces.**

America tapped Yao's shoulder.

**Homies.**

**We've been through so much stuff.**

(England shuddered at the memories)

_We had to hear America rapping._

(Russia nodded)

_That was rough._

The two heroic new-comers gave a wilting stare at Steve.

Now it's time to take this sucker dooowwwnnn!

**C'mon German,**

**Now it's time to blow doors down!**

_**I hear ya Romey,**_

_**Now it's time to blow doors down.**_

**Light up the stage,**

**'Cause it's time for a show-down!**

_**Ve'll vhup your ass,**_

_**And bring this whole house down.**_

Now we've got to blow this monster up,

_**My giant shield vill make sure he von't take us down.**_

The shield that shone in a powerful silver light tinkled and glittered as it bore down on Steve.

"Nooo! How do I take this down?"

**C'mon we're gonna blow doors down!**

_**Alright it's time for a smack down!**_

**We're gonna beat you,**

**You paradox!**

**No doubt about it,**

**Your singing suuuccckkkss!**

_**As far as villains go,**_

_**In anime,**_

_**I hate to tell you,**_

_**You're just cliché.**_

**That's right,**

**You messed with the wrong show,**

**We're not just anyone,**

**We're Hetalia!**

At this point, the much-abused fourth wall shattered for the twentieth time that week and Steve shivered in horror. The music skilfully produced by the two instruments of wonder had been powering up the once former Empires and it abruptly unleashed itself in the form of two ginormous kick ass weapons that looked like they could crush Russia's skull and more. The guitars shape-shifted; Rome's transforming itself into a crackling axe of sheer proportions and Germania's twisted into a volumous war hammer made from the purest heavy metal. The golden energy swirling around that terrifying weapons made Steve squeal like a little girl. The men smirked as knowingly and began chanting as the wonderful music reached its peak.

"We are Hetalia, we are Hetalia, we are Hetalia, we are Hetalia. We are Hetalia, we are Hetalia, we are Hetalia, we are Hetalia!"

They charged forward with their final attacks, ignoring the possibility of any danger.

"We are Hetalia, we are Hetalia, we are Hetalia, WE ARE HETALIA!"

Their speed increased and Steve wailed as it met its doom.

"NOOO!"

The light blinded all other occupants as it expanded and caused a devastating shockwave and the two former nations collided their glorious weapons with Steve's dumb noggin'.

"In hell you shall remain and never bloody come back again!" Germania crowed the Final Word (it deserved those capital letters in his mind because he was just SO awesome) and Steve exploded, showering everyone with rainbows.

"I think we just killed a guy."

"If anyone asks, Russia did it."

"You know, I think I know why Prussia is zhe person he is." Ludwig muttered as the victors struck a heroic pose with their weapons slung across their shoulders.

An almighty cheer rose up from the gripped spectators, which was interrupted by Grandpa Rome going all mercenary, Arnie style.

"Get to da chopper!" he shouted and everyone ran outside with no questions asked.

Because when someone says that in a loud voice, you go, no matter where you are, what's happening or whose front lawn you're ruining.

"It's gonna blow!" America cried bravely and shoved Japan and England down on the floor (landing heavily on top of poor Canada) of the helicopter as it flew away to a huge Michael Bay explosion.

Just to be extra certain that the readers were compelled, the author blew up the mansion some more so that it was razed to ash in the dirt.

And everyone lived happily ever after with much partying and consuming of vodka and no lasting trauma of their horrifying experiences whatsoever.

Nope, no sir, none at all.

…What can I say? The affected countries probably all have short-term memory loss or something.

Rome and Germania won the Nobel Peace Prize presented by one of their millions of fan girls and embarked on a world tour.

France became a marriage counsellor, eager to spread l'amour wherever he went much to everyone's disgust.

Canada hosted his own live talk show, popular with many people (and causing many more to check into asylums for fear that they were insane) for "that talking polar bear".

Kumajiro became a very rich bear.

Russia was caught trying to sneak vodka on a flight to New York and was eventually subdued with elephant tranquiliser. Lithuania is going to be his lawyer in court, whether he wants to or not.

China meditated for a thousand years to try and find enlightenment. He still hasn't achieved that goal, but he DID find a shiny penny for his massive collection.

South Italy woke up after the celebration to find himself "married" to Germany and living in a dark castle. They are currently in hiding from the crazed yaoi fanfic writers, trying to get a "divorce".

North Italy, on the other hand, woke to find himself wearing a fetching lampshade and married to an extremely pretty girl who loved pasta just as much as he did. Needless to say, he was delighted and they are now expecting their first child.

America played Team Fortress 2 on his PC for a month straight and ended up in hospital in a burger-deprived coma. The resident experts were baffled by this strange occurrence as he had ingested fluids and solids every day.

Gilbert is currently lounging on his brother's sofa, eating all of his food and not paying the many bills.

Spain opened his own casino in Las Vegas and became the Head of the Spanish Mafia. They were committed to fighting bad cooking and mainly targeted poor British tourists in a vicious tomato based assault.

Japan turned into a successful writer and manga-ka, selling twenty million copies of his first book "My Experiences with an American" worldwide. His sequel "A Journey with an Italian" is expected to be even more popular.

Finally, England opened his own bakery but closed on the same day as the opening for many lawsuits regarding food poisoning. Genuinely astounded, he took up knitting instead.

The burnt remains of the mansion was snapped up cheaply by Switzerland and turned into a haunted theme park attraction.

The End.

* * *

Phew. Now, I know that Hetaoni is a serious, emotional RPG, beloved by thousands of people worldwide (a deserved acclaim) but I just thought of Rome helping Italy in Paint it White one day and this was born. I hope it hasn't offended any of you!

A mix of TD and YGO Abridged was used.

I'm not a yaoi or yuri fan (sorry) so I thought of S. Italy and Germany's "marriage" as a union of two countries. I took the mick because many people insist on pairing them when it S. Italy clearly hates the potato eater. I took a leaf out of those comedies when two people wake up in Vegas to find themselves wed to each other. I find that funny. XD

I have nothing against yaoi or yuri writers for the record.

Yes, Prussia WILL be dead when West gets back and I couldn't resist giving Feliciano a happy ending. Let's face it, he gets a lot of crap in Hetaoni (and general abuse by us authors).

I'm new to the Hetalia Fanfic Community so please be kind.

Thank you. XX


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